Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
