we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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