I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
