Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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