At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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