I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
