i may or may not be watching the land before time
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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