I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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