im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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