if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Randomize
