If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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