i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
