I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
