In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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