Michael Bay diarrhea
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
