New invention idea: vibrating tampons
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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