You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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