If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
