i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
