My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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