how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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