Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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