If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
