totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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