Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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