A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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