I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
