bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
