Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Randomize
