Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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