found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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