You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
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