She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
