I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Sorry about my life...
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize