Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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