she takes plan B like it's going out of style
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Just high enough for therapy.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
