either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
is that a dick in a sweater?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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