Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
