Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
