I'm lost and stupid without you.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
