this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
