Please, let me fuck your mom
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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