I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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