then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
