Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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