Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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