My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
