I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
