I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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