I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
