Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
