i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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