I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
My penis needs a shock collar
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
