Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
