Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
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