I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
