theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
