I think I just saw someone hide a body.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
