im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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