I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
