He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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