saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
