i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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