My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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