I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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