You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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