The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
