The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
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