I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
